People who know that I’m Jewish sometimes ask me what I do at Christmas. I tell them, "I celebrate Christmas."
I don’t go to church. I don’t have a Christmas tree. I don’t get presents and I don’t make a ham. Frankly, I don’t understand why anyone would make a ham. I like ham, but it kind of begins and ends for me with Swiss cheese and rye bread. I think you have to love Jesus to eat ham as a meal. You really need to have the holy spirit inside of you to eat a whole ham. I'll stick with Chinese food.
But I do enjoy the spirit of Christmas. The joy that it brings. The feelings of goodwill towards our fellow man. It’s the one time of year that people seem to take a break from functioning in full blown asshole mode. They put their differences aside. Let bygones be bygones and take a break from their worries to relax and enjoy the holiday.
Unless you’re Ukrainian and the Russian army is sending lunatics, fresh from their gulags to rape your women, pillage your cities and make love to your farm animals. They might have Christmas in Ukraine, but they’re certainly not taking a break from their worries to relax and enjoy the holiday. They are however, getting a Patriot missile system in their stocking. Happy Xmas, Vlad.
Be that as it may, I celebrate Christmas because I love the magic that’s in the air. I love the look on all of the children’s faces. Not on my children’s faces, mind you. They’re still in Hanukah mode, have gotten all their presents and are still dealing with the fact that Kanye West hates them. But the Christian children are absolutely lovely this time of year. I see them sitting on Santa’s lap at the mall and running out of school with decorations they made in art class—their eye’s aglow with wonder and excitement. Not a care in the world other than what awaits them beneath the Christmas tree at home.
They don’t know that they’re now being referred to as the Covid generation. They aren’t aware of the 19% increase in depression, 17% increase in anxiety and 8.1% rise in reports of suicidal ideation that their generation is now plagued with. They don’t care about that shit. They’re just hoping for the new Oculus. They’ll be fine.
Which is why I love Christmas. Despite all of that, the children are happier than ever. And you should be too. If you do have a job, you’re probably not at it right now and if you don’t have a job then these are the few days of the year where you feel a sense of normalcy and just a tiny bit less ashamed.
And since it’s Christmas, you’ll be going to parties, mingling with friends and hopefully making wonderful memories to share with the people in your life. Just don’t do any of the sharing on Twitter. Not this year. Not right now. Not while Elon Musk is at the helm. You’re just gonna have to wait if you like Twitter. Maybe next year. Twitter is like Will Smith at the moment. He’s probably gonna come back to us, but right now he’s in a time-out and he needs to stay there a bit longer. Same with Twitter. We’ll probably get it back, but for now it’s just not the place to be.
And so, this is Christmas. Enjoy the cheer. Have a glass of eggnog. Wear an ugly sweater. Bake cookies! Have a great holiday. We’ll see you in the New Year. Things will no doubt be much, much better.
Thanks for reading. We'll see you again real soon.