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  • Writer's pictureJeff Eaker

Wake Me Up Before You Go, Go

You put the boom-boom into my heart You send my soul sky-high When your lovin' starts Jitterbug into my brain (yeah-yeah) Goes a bang-bang-bang 'Til my feet do the same.

America has an asshole problem. This isn’t new. We’ve known about our asshole issue for years. We are the land of the free. The home of the brave. And the world’s leading producer of ginormous assholes.

The assholes really used to keep to themselves. They’d hang out exclusively with other assholes and keep their traps shut when in the company of polite society.

Trump changed all that. He turned being a complete asshole into a national obsession. He inspired other assholes to get out there more and sorta meet new assholes and learn from each other. But most of all, he inspired them to be proud of being assholes. Which was a real dick move if you ask me. But we are talking about the first ex-President in our nation’s history to be indicted. So, returning the divisions in our country back to their pre-Civil War intensity is perhaps not his greatest achievement as an asshole. There’s probably more to come.

These days it almost seems to be a competition as people all over the country continue to make great strides in assholery. I don’t necessarily have a problem with assholes. I’ve worked in advertising for over 25 years. My asshole tolerance is high. I know their patterns. I can spot their weaknesses.

I can handle an asshole. What I can’t handle are assholes who are also bullies. I do not like being pushed around nor do I enjoy seeing it done to others. It’s a trigger for me. It gets under my skin. Boils my blood. And puts me in a heck of a lousy mood. I’m a man of the people. And I don’t like to see my people getting hassled.

So when I see folks criticizing woke culture, not only do I see serious asshole behavior in action—I also see a heavy dose of cowardly bullying. And that’s what gets me. I cannot abide a bully. I have to do something. I have to say something. I have to get aggressive.

We live on top of a giant ball of fire surrounded by a thin outer layer of crispy crust that’s traveling through space at approximately 67,000 miles per hour. We basically live on top of a really fast peanut M&M. And every time that delicious little guy makes it around the sun, we advance just a little bit further in time. Ergo—we progress.

This bothers the anti-woke crowd.

They don’t embrace progress because they fear things that are new and unfamiliar. It’s the fear that makes them angry.

One thing I always try my best to do is see things from the other side’s perspective. It is always possible that I’m in the wrong. So let's play it out a little. If I didn’t embrace progress I could have a slave writing this for me right now. And then after my slave finished, I could have my slave mow the lawn, water the garden and put a couple coats of wax on my 2019 Volkswagen Jetta. I got the base model because it’s the only one that came with a stick. No Armor All® on the tires please.

If my wife were to disobey me, I could punish her. I could give her a good spanking like Ricky Ricardo used to give Lucille Ball. I could shake my fist at her and say, “One of these days, Alice. To the moon!” It wouldn’t do a ton of good because my wife's name isn’t Alice, but I’m confident my little lady would get the drift and mind her place.

My kids would be a ton easier to manage if the anti-woke crowd got their way. If they misbehaved, I could just give them a good smack and all would be taken care of. And if I saw a couple of fags walking down the street holding hands I could shout, “Hey, you fags.! Stop loving each other so much.”

I could mock people from other countries. I could call my sports team whatever the fuck I wanted. I think the Detroit Coloreds could be a lot of fun. And if I took a fancy to one of my underpaid female colleagues, I could creep up on her in the kitchenette and tell her how nice her tits look today. Fuck that woke shit. These are tits we’re talking about.

But I don’t want to do any of those things and I don’t care to live in a world that allows it. I’m grateful for the Civil Rights Movement. I’m happy that my LGBTQ friends can live their lives how they want and love whoever they choose. It makes me happy that transgendered people can pee where they feel comfortable peeing. And I know that statistically speaking my kids are safer in that bathroom than they would be if they were alter boys.

I realize the tremendously positive impact that immigrants both legal and illegal have made in this country and I welcome them with open arms. I really don’t think that all of them are going to try and rape me. That just doesn't seem to add up. It’d be a really long way to come just to rape someone. Seems like you could get more raping done without the long and dangerous trek through Central America.

I also celebrate the Me-too movement. I support diversity and inclusion. I believe very strongly that women should have reproductive freedom. And I think Critical Race Theory is the biggest “no duh” of all time. I want my children learning about it so maybe they can be part of the solution instead of just another new generation of the same problem.

If all that makes me woke then sign me up. I embrace it. I champion it. And I want to do my part to defend it against the assholes and the cowardly bullies who try and mock us for wanting to be decent people.

They’re so afraid of being replaced. But here's the deal. Nobody’s getting replaced. You’re getting reinforced. How great would this country be if its population of talented people with endless opportunities were doubled? Tripled? You want to make America great again? Then make more great Americans.

Growing up, I rode the bus to and from school every day. And every time I took my seat I’d look up at the front of the bus and there would be a little poster with the Golden Rule on it: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I always liked that. It made perfect sense to me and I was just a kid. To me, woke is the same thing. Treat others the way you’d want to be treated. Pretty simple. Any asshole should be able to understand it. And if they don’t, then they need to wake the fuck up.

Wake me up before you go-go 'Cause I'm not planning on going solo Wake me up before you go-go, ah Take me dancing tonight.

Thanks for reading. I'll see you again real soon.

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