I don’t watch much TV anymore. I used to watch tons, but once the kids were born that changed. At first, I was just too tired. If I had...

I’m trying really hard to be a good American these days. Sincerely. I really am. It’s difficult. There’s a lot of pressure. You’re really...

The guy who bullied me in high school got arrested a few months ago. You’d think I’d be happy about it, but I find myself holding a...

I’m a star-shaped balloon, running out of gas. I reached for the moon, but it was beyond my grasp. You should have seen me an hour ago. I...

“And these children that you spit on As they try to change their worlds. Are immune to your consultations They're quite aware of what...

When are you gonna come down? When are you going to land? I should have stayed on the farm I should have listened to my old man. As the...

“Do you realize? That everyone you know, someday, will die. And instead of saying all of your goodbyes. Let them know you realize that...

Twas the week before Christmas, and me, being a Jew... I was keeping my head down, because these days, that’s what we do. Every morning,...

Poor Jack McGrath just wants to be a stringer. But he can’t hold the strings because he broke all of his fingers. So he says to himself,...

"For a writer, sometimes, it's good to step away." Says only the writer who has nothing to say. There's a secret Chinese restaurant in...

When all the rest are gone— if I'm the last one— will you be happy when it’s just me? Will you parade me around as a sign of your victory...

If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you… There’s an if in life. You can see it right there...

The quote: "A principle isn’t a principle until it costs you money" was originally said by Bill Bernbach. In 1964, after the U.S. Surgeon...

I needed a place to sit and think. So, I made a chair. I could have gone to the store, I suppose. But it would have been such a chore....

You put the boom-boom into my heart You send my soul sky-high When your lovin' starts Jitterbug into my brain (yeah-yeah) Goes a...

Little Bunny wakes up in the forest all alone. He looks around for the other bunnies, but no one is there. This makes Little Bunny...

Advertising agencies love to brag about their benefits packages. At least they used to. I’ve been steadily freelancing for the last four...

Jesse wanders. Jesse wanders because he worries. Jesse wonders why he worries while he wanders. Up ahead in the distance I saw a...

Sitting on a park bench Eyeing little girls with bad intent. Snot's running down his nose Greasy fingers, smearing shabby clothes. Drying...

Table saws cause about 30,000 injuries per year in the U.S. alone. Last summer I got to be one of them. Admittedly, I was doing something...